"U-Mass"

I've got to wait till September for more, but I've been loving the Horoscopes in the UMass Daily Collegian for the past two months.

The paper's free, and everyday there's at least one that makes me smile. It's great. Ever since I started reading the Horoscopes I've been clipping them out and putting them in a box in my closet. I've gone through them so I can post some of my favorites here. There's no byline, but the comics editor is listed as Nick Bush, so, for now, he gets the credit.

Again, these weren't written by me, they're Horoscopes from the UMass Daily Collegian.

ARIES A pillowcase full of doorknobs will be the last thing you see today.

SAGITTARIUS Your shotgun marriage to an AK-47 could only lead to a messy divorce.

AQUARIUS Your arguments have more holes in them than the Pope's condoms.

ARIES No matter what the angry, pitchfork-wielding mob may have to say about you, I still think you're beautiful.

AQUARIUS You've reached a spork in the road, which has rightfully confused you.

AQUARIUS When the detective asks what you were doing on the night of March 20 you will have to admit to seeing Jonas Brothers 3D.

ARIES You are left to wander in the wilderness of your own discontent. Hopefully you can find some civilized drugs soon.

LEO I'm not sure how eating sod emphasizes your Irish heritage, but whatever makes you happy.

TAURUS You've been getting bad advice lately, mostly from me. Stare at the sun from now on to find answers.

PISCES Go Twitter about something. Douchebag.

AQUARIUS Muttonchops will suit your round Aquarius head, whether you are a man or woman.

(Notice how so many of my favorites are for Aquarius? I'm not one, though. I'm an Aries. -RJ Battles)

TAURUS Candles are definitely the sexiest way to burn your home to the ground.

AQUARIUS Today you should be creepy and order a gyro while rotating your hips.

PISCES The habit of needing to touch every corner in a room 14 times before leaving is really slowing you down.

AQUARIUS All the kings horses and all the kings men won't get the Hepatitis out of your bloodstream.

VIRGO Breastfeeding is not a hobby.

VIRGO You're skinnier than an Ethiopian distance runner. Put some meat on dem bonez.

GEMINI Blasting Maroon 5 songs from your car with the windows down will bring you all the negative attention you could ever want.

ARIES Botox was never meant for de-wrinkling your genitalia. You should know that's impossible anyhow.

That was fun, I hope you liked those too. In September when classes start again and the Collegian is running I'll put up some more and I'll find out for sure who is wring the Horoscopes.